James 4:11-12

11 Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

One sin that grieves God and people greatly is the sin of slandering another person. Of course, to be honorable, honest, courageous, and benevolent to society, we must take a strong stand against abuse, adultery, lying, cheating, cowardice, and such, and there is nothing wrong with making a bold statement such as, "Be faithful or be a whore", or "Be faithful or be a coward, a thief, and a liar." But, those who do such things are usually the first to hide from their sins by tearing their spouses down. So, now instead of being merely a whore, a liar, and a coward, they are now whores, liars, cowards, and slanderers.

Still, God knows, and we should know how impossible it is for any of us to turn back time and undo any of the sins we have committed in the past. So, how reasonable is it for us to refuse to forgive others past sins when we know we cannot undo our own? And, just because a person was once a whore, a liar, a slanderer, a thief does not mean that this person is still one.

But, when does a whore or a liar stop being one? The minute they confess their sin and repent of it. And, when does that happen? First, when the person stops lying to cover the sin. Second, when they stop lying to excuse, justify, or rationalize the sin. Third, when they come to a firm conviction they were wrong and unjustified to do what they did. Fourth, when they are fully committed to finding the root cause of that sin and laying the ax to the root of that sin so it won't be committed again. And, fifth, when they're committed to doing their best to make restitution for as much of the harm and loss and pain that this sin caused God and others and to take a full stand against that sin for the rest of one's life.

For the adulterer who leaves his or her spouse to marry another, repentance and restoration of one's relationship with God, with man, and with oneself can never happen until the ax is laid to that lie of an adulterous marriage, until that person repents of it and ends it, until that person calls upon the pastor and others responsible for endorsing and encouraging that sin to repent, and an offer to restore the original marriage with full love and sincerity is made to the first spouse to whom marriage vows were given provided that innocent party in the divorce has not remarried.

Any kind of repentance less than this is a lie and an attempt to throw God our refuse. And, pastor, if you regard this as a mere matter of opinion, you stand before God this moment a liar, and you may take what stand you choose to your peril.

The Bible quotes Jesus saying, "In as much as you have done it to the the least of the brethren, you have done it unto Me". When we have faith in God, we don't have to resort to sin to get what we want out of other people.

It grieves me to no end to see spouses tear one another down before their children and before others. I have heard it said many times that the one thing that causes people to feel in love with another person is how the other person makes them feel about themselves. Criticism, bullying, public shame is among the most stupid, hateful, irresponsible and destructive things a person can do to his or her family.

Appealing to Moral Standards

Some people try to appeal to moral standards to justify slandering and harming others through public disgrace. Yet, they would never appeal to these same standards if they had no selfish reasons for doing so. Furthermore, they often choose not to live by these standards themselves. They require obedience to God from others on some matters that affect them personally, but when it comes to obeying God themselves, they are utterly unfaithful and hypocritical.

Often, they will claim they are shining the light on sin and the reason people object is that they love the darkness as it hides their sin. But, shine the light on their sin and they will scream injustice like any other hypocrite.

Truth is they do not want God to have His way. They want their own way and they will abuse others and God if necessary to get their way.

Sadly, this is a very destructive force in the family and a leading cause of divorce. It is also a leading cause of church splits and breakups of many benevolent programs and organizations.

Why Do People Do This?

So why do people do it? They do it because they are willing to hurt others to get what they want. Perhaps they do it in revenge. I see couples living in constant revenge with the threat of marital failure and divorce hanging over their heads every day. What a stupid and foolish waste of happiness and life!

And, yet when one spouse attacks the other this way, what happens? Does the injured spouse say, "Oh, I must deserve it, and therefore I had better mend my ways and give my spouse what he or she wants?" Of course not. Usually, the injured spouse wants to teach the other spouse a lesson. Nobody wants to comply and become a doormat. Nobody wants to reward the bully and encourage more bullying to take place. Even if the injured spouse does not want to seek revenge, often there will be suffering in silence for some time and then some passive-aggressive behavior. Some affairs spring out of revenge and divorces and suicides sometimes happen when one spouse just wants to get away from the bullying and pain.

Defensive Behavior

If your spouse is overly defensive toward you, then perhaps you have done something to destroy his or her trust. Have you injured his or her feelings severly? Have you given reason to expect it will happen again and again? Have you caused your spouse to be on guard constantly?

Laziness
Many people complain their spouse is lazy and undisciplined. If this describes your spouse, then try asking yourself what you do when your spouse takes the initiative? Do you criticize and bully and try to redirect? Do you nag? Do you interrupt his or her concentration so your spouse cannot complete the tasks being attempted? Do you interrupt your spouse to quarrel over priorities? If so, perhaps you would be wise to learn a little humility and common sense. If your spouse is working on something, then perhaps you would be wise to assume it must be important to your spouse. Don't be arrogant and bitter and demand your spouse give immediate attention to what you feel is most important. Chances are if he or she is ignoring something more important, it may be because he does not wish to comply with a bully and a nag and your bullying and nagging has made him or her draw a mental link between that task and being nagged and bullying, and perhaps if you don't stop, you may find it a thousand times easier to move heaven and earth than to get compliance from your spouse ever.

Do It Yourself

If it's important enough to nag and complain and bully, then it is important enough to do it yourself. That doesn't mean doing it in a way that's repulsive to your spouse in an attempt to punish. Nor does it mean copping an attitude while doing it.

However, just as your spouse has the right to make choices what jobs to do, so do you. So, if you ordinarily make nice meals or wash clothes or do the gardening or mow the lawn, there is nothing wrong with setting aside something to get the job you want done completed. Your spouse can get his or her own clothes washed and ironed or get his or her own meals and such.

How to Nurture Love

But, if you want romance and mutual love in your family, you need to give love and respect. Don't be telling others what a bad spouse you have. After all, if your spouse is a bad spouse, that reflects on your level of wisdom in choosing your spouse and it reflects on God's wisdom in bringing you together. Smart and wise spouses honor each other before others.

Comparing One's Spouse With Others

I've heard Indonesian wives of American husbands compare their husbands to me and scold them for not learning to speak Indonesian, and I don't like being compared to other women's husbands that way. I would rather have them appreciate their husbands. One man I knew dumped his wife because she was a messy housekeeper. Apparently his integrity was not substantial enough to address that kind of inconvenience and discomfort and his competence as a husband was lacking or he would never have left his wife for that reason. After all, a person's integrity is only as good as his or her wedding vows. He didn't leave because of his wife's messiness. He left because of his own lack of integrity, courage, and manliness.

Integrity and Courage to Honor and Love as Promised

But, when people deliver the love they promised to deliver on their wedding day, none of these tragedies happen. They promised to honor one another, so they honor one another. They promised to remain faithful, so they remain faithful. They promise to lift up, to encourage, to help, to cherish, and they do it. Just as they promised. Because they are people of honor, integrity, courage, character, strength, wisdom, competence, decency, and love. They don't have time for petty, immature, unnecessary quarrels. And, they know it takes a real butthead to belittle one's spouse or children or loved ones before others, and given the choice, they would rather not spend eternity with those who behave that way. So, they take the high road in life whether it's popular or not.